Minneapolis, MN- Authorities in Minneapolis announced this morning that disgraced and former Minnesota Senator, Al Franken, has been confirmed as a blizzard casualty.
“It has been a rough time for the Franken family,” Richard W. Stanek, Hennepin County Sheriff, began the news conference. “Of course everyone is familiar with Mr. Franken’s tragic comedy career. He just wasn’t funny and couldn’t get the laughs. Then, Mr. Franken set his sights on Capitol Hill, where he was the beneficiary of much laughter, an unintended consequence. The family has suffered great pain and humiliation for decades, and now further tragedy, Mr. Franken’s untimely and unbelievable death, complicates the narrative.”
“We were aware of rumors that Mr. Franken had become despondent and withdrawn from friends and family,” sheriff Stanek continued. “The Franken family had been living well, and spending freely, during the Obama years, taking payoffs from large corporations and receiving stipends for being the Democrat’s attack stooge in the Senate. After leaving the Senate in disgrace, all of the funds dried up and the Frankens were facing forclosure on several homes and complete bankruptcy. It is still early in the investigation, but there is speculation that Franken’s death may have been an act of protracted self capitulation. Mrs. Franken has admitted that her husband had become deeply despondent and was spending all of his time and money at the local Dairy Queen. Franken was said to have spent all of his waking hours, as well as all of his savings, sucking down the creamy, crunchy delights known as Blizzards, in an effort to ease his pain as an abject failure.”
International Dairy Queen inc., and parent company, Berkshire Hathaway were not immediately available for comment, other than releasing the following statement. “Dairy Queen is not responsible for the overindulgence of our customers. Food is not love. There are no answers at the bottom of a Blizzard cup… only empty calories. If you have a problem with ice cream, please seek help.”