Breaking: Mormon Church To Allow Homosexuals Full Membership

Salt Lake City, UT- Local CBS affiliate KSL 5 reporter, Lori Prichard broke a bombshell story this morning on KSL 5 News Today.

Reporting live from Temple Square, Prichard released a previously taped announcement from recently deceaced church president, Thomas Monson. “After more than a century and a half of discrimination, the LDS (Mormon) Church has changed their stance on homosexuality,” sighed church president, Thomas Monson. “Yesterday I received a personal revelation from the Lord. A revelation that took me by surprise. The Lord is full of surprises and has taken me by surprise many times in my life [smiling]. I was admonished to open the hearts, minds and arms of His flock to homosexuals around the world, that we might take them in a loving embrace and welcome them into the fold.”

As the report was running, a stunned and frantic studio crew accidentally turned on several studio microphones that went on to broadcast a tirade of homophobic slurs from the on-air personalities and producers. The tape of President Monson trying to preach love and acceptance kept rolling as cursing and vulgar monikers for homosexuals were spouted from the set.

“It just kept going and going,” said church member and news watcher, Mary Kimball. “The most foul language I have ever heard. I am so glad my kids weren’t up yet.”

“I laughed my ass off,” said news watcher, Craig Brent. “I probably would have said the same things as the studio personnel.”

Most of the people we were able to speak with seemed very offended, either by the language that was broadcast or the fact that homosexuality would be accepted by the Mormon Church. Most people seemed to be in agreement that the church was kowtowing to liberal politics and threats from liberal politicians, should they win big in the next two election cycles.

KSL 5 president, Darrell Brown was not available for comment, but has issued an apology for the coarse language and unprofessional behavior of the news staff.