Ann Arbor, MI- A new trend on college campuses has made it’s way to Ann Arbor. The Zombie Whore Apocalypse is a trending sexual fetish where oversexed co-eds get all dolled up in sexually promiscuous attire and zombie makeup and roam the campus in a lusty search for… well, not brains.
“I love it!” exclaimed freshman, Tara Schmidt. “I haven’t had this much fun in forever. You hear all of the stupid warnings about having anonymous sex. It’s crazy fun.”
“OMG,” cried sophomore, Whitney Loggins, “you just never really know what you are going to get. Sometimes it’s a stud and sometimes it’s a dud, but you just keep on going.”
All of the U of Mich zombie whores I spoke with were being responsible adults by carrying and using condoms. Of the 17 co-eds, 16 are on birth control and they all have Levonogestrel, or the morning after pill, in case of prophylactic rupture.
“We are taking our safety very seriously,” said sophomore, Misty Hanes. “We travel in groups of four or more at all times. Campus security has been very protective of us, mostly because we throw them a shot now and again.”
I caught up to U of Mich football coach, Jim Harbaugh and asked him what he thought about the zombie whores. “I think it’s freaking fantastic to be honest,” the coach told me. “It’s about time something good happened to my boys in the way of sexual relations with the co-eds here at U of Mich. These young men work hard, not to mention bring in the bulk of the money needed to run this institution. I am so sick of all of the constant sexual assault charges and accusations. Now they can take their testosterone fueled proclivities out on the zombie whores and everyone is happy.”
When asked if he was worried about the zombie whores eating the brains of his football players, the coach responded, “We have a collective GPA of 1.7 on our team. I don’t think there is any chance the zombie whores can make that any worse. Hell, those poor girls will probably starve to death on this campus.”
Dr. Schlissel was not available for comment.
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