Oakland, CA- Oakland Raiders owner, Mark Davis held a quick press briefing Saturday morning to present further information as to the Raiders planned move to Las Vegas.
“We will be moving the franchise as soon as we are able,” confirmed Mr. Davis. “We are set to begin the full move as soon as we take our last snap of the 2018 season. I know that this is a hard pill for our Oakland fan base to swallow, but given the Raiders scandalous history of broken promises, disappointment, and fraud this should come as no surprise. I mean, look what my dad (Al Davis) did to Oakland and Los Angeles when he was at the Raiders helm. Shit, he should have gone to prison or been strung up from a tree with all of the shit he pulled. I just hope my dad is looking up at me and smiling.”
“We know that this is not a popular move,” said GM, Reggie Mckenzie. “The fans aren’t happy about it. I’m not happy about it. The players and personnel aren’t happy about it. But, ultimately, what are you gonna do? When your boss walks into your office with that stupid assed haircut and a shit eatin’ grin on his face and tells you we’re moving… you move. I know the Oakland fans feel like we all just took a big dump right in their faces and maybe we did. That‘s just business. I mean, they can still watch us on tv. There really is no need for all of these threats of violence against our front office. Who knew we had so many democrats for fans?”
“We are going to get this done in a big league way,” declared Raiders president, Marc Badain. We truly feel badly for our fans in Oakland, but we need a real stadium to play in and the city and fans just didn’t get it done for us. I am personally looking forward to playing in a stadium that doesn’t smell like stale beer and moldy piss. The fans just don’t understand what it is like to work in this putrid old outhouse every single day.”
Head coach, Jack Del Rio had the most memorable quote of the morning. “Hey, I’m just a [expletive deleted] coach. I don’t make policy or business decisions. I just coach football. I make $6 million a year to diagram X’s and O’s. You can bet your ass I’m following that payday to Vegas, baby!”
Raiders fans will still be able to see quite a few games at the aging O.co Coliseum. While traveling to Vegas will add extra expense to going to a game for Raider fans, it looks like a lot of fans from Oakland will be making the trip. “I plan to go to every home game the first season in Vegas,” said Deondre Philbus. “Mostly just to piss in every nook and cranny I can find in that new stadium. We gonna raise the funk in that place.”