San Francisco, CA- In a special Tuesday press conference to address sanctuary city policy in San Francisco, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) was asked about the safety of American citizens in light of current events the last few weeks in Florida and Texas.
“The school shootings must stop!” Pelosi began. “This is 21st century America and no person needs a gun today for any reason. All firearms suffer from some sort of mental illness and we must round up every firearm, placing them in concentration camps, as soon as possible. The bombings in Texas are only the beginning, I am sure. We must make it illegal to make and deploy bombs! That will be a great deterrent. Falling bridges are terrorist acts, committed by the Trump Administration in an effort to distract America from the fact that there is absolutely no evidence of collusion or obstruction! We must ban all bridges in America immediately!”
When Pelosi was asked why she thought President Trump was involved in the bridge failure, she responded, “Trump is a communist minion of Putin and they are trying to overthrow the American government.”
When asked if it made more sense that she, and her socialist Democrat colleagues, had much more ideology in common with Putin than do President Trump and the Republicans, Pelosi replied, “People should be jailed for being so ignorant that they can’t understand the astounding intelligence that flows from my gaping and constantly flapping maw.”
Pelosi was then asked if she was willing to have her body guards give up their weapons.
“Would you ask the Queen of England to give up her armed guards?” quipped Pelosi. “You can’t compare someone like me, a world renowned queen of intellect and beauty, with the mundane people of America who live on my crumbs, if I choose to give out crumbs, which I don’t.”
Pelosi was then quickly ushered out in the midst of a bout of incontinence.