Richmond, VA- Embattled Virginia Lieutenant Governor, Justin Fairfax, took bold steps today to prove his innocence in regards to numerous complaints of sexual assault lodged against him.
“Several women from my past have come forward with false claims of sexual assault,” Fairfax began his presser. “Today, since there is still a possibility that criminal charges can be filed, because the statute of limitations in both cases are still in force, I am going to unprecedented lengths to clear my name.”
While Mr. Fairfax didn’t disclose the nature of the unprecedented lengths of which he was speaking, TheNetSpies were able to speak to an unnamed source in the Richmond police department for more information.
Our source told us that a meeting was held in the Richmond PD offices, and that meeting was attended by investigators from Boston and Chapel Hill. Fairfax told investigators that he could unequivocally prove the women were lying by simply dropping his pants. Fairfax dropped his trousers, revealing a tiny baby penis. “That’s all there is to that,” Fairfax allegedly stated. “I couldn’t sexually assault an amoeba with this diminutive pee-pee.”
Fairfax appeared to be a very broken man after the meeting. Being a sexual predator or having a baby penis seem to be lose-lose propositions.