Mclean, VA- In a stunning and unexpected turn of events, Wolf Blitzer, CNN’s loveable dementia ridden anchor, has announced that embattled White House pool enforcer, Jim Acosta, has been found dead in Fort Marcy Park in Virginia.
“These are dark times in America,” Blitzer began. “We, in the media, are plagued with a bully President that thinks he should be in control of briefings at the White House. A President who is demeaning to the press corps. A President who dares to point out a case of battery by a reporter on a staffer… and look where this gets us.”
Blitzer was obviously refering to the lifeless body of CNN’s enforcer du jour, Jim Acosta, found by joggers in Fort Marcy Park.
“This is an abomination!” exclaimed Blitzer. “Jim was strangled with a microphone cord. A microphone cord covered in orange Cheeto dust! That is a cryptic message! A message that this President will kill any reporter that dares posture and then batter women!”
As the tears poured down Wolf’s face, he suddenly posed the question, “mmmm, I wonder what a battered and deep fried woman tastes like?”
Farewell Jim, farewell Wolfie… parting is such sweet sorrow.