Salt Lake City, UT- A melee broke out on the University of Utah campus this morning as university police and a large contingent of students clashed during an attempted arrest of John Chapman 8th, better known in the millennial culture as Johnny Cannaseed.
“He was just minding his own business and talking with everyone,” said U of U student, Spencer Kimball. “All of the sudden, cops started swarming around and slammed Johnny to the ground. We were like, no way we’re going to let this happen. So we all went medieval on those cops so he could try to get away.”
Johnny Cannaseed, the great x7 grandson of Johnny Appleseed, has been following in the footsteps of his namesake, living a life harmonious with nature and spreading seeds about the country for the last 5 years. However, the seeds he is spreading have proven to be a bit more controversial than apple seeds.
“Five years ago I decided that cannabis was something the people needed,” Johnny stated through the visitors window at the Salt Lake County Jail. “With my heritage, it seemed only natural that I embark on a cross country trip to sow cannabis seed across the width and breadth of America. I live simply and naturally, I plant cannabis in spots where it can flourish in the wild, and I share my knowledge, of both cannabis and Taoism, with my brothers and sisters along the way. This town doesn’t seem to approve of either,” he said grinning.
“We have a zero tolerance for freeloaders, transients, and cannabis in Salt Lake County,” crowed Salt Lake County Undersheriff, Scott Carter. “These thugs think they can come to our county and break the law and we will go easy on them. Today we showed everyone that is just not the case. Mr. Chapman seems to fancy himself some sort of folk hero. A folk hero driving a broken down truck with two tons of marijuana seeds in the back. That is a major felony in this state. He has been charged with one count of felony possession of marijuana and seven counts of felony cultivation. That boy’s in a heap of trouble.”
Johnny is hoping to make bail so he can get back to planting cannabis, communing with nature, and “smokin’ out” with his peeps. Students at the University of Utah have taken up a citywide collection and are considering a gofundme account in an effort to spring the madcap globetrotter.
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