Scranton, PA- A clandestine, six month search for missing New York comic, Woody Allen, has turned out more successful than anticipated. Allen, who went missing in July 2019, had not been seen or heard from in 6 months until police raided a swanky property in Scranton on Tuesday.
“We are pretty shocked where this case has taken law enforcement,” stated Scranton police chief, Leonard Namiotka. “We never imagined this case would end up where it did.”
The Scranton SWAT team raided the upscale home of president-elect, Joe Biden, Tuesday morning in an effort to locate Mr. Allen. The comic was discovered, locked in the basement, by officers in the ensuing search of the premises. Officers stated that the basement walls and floor were covered with papers and notes of Biden’s campaign and speeches. “Obviously, Mr. Allen was writing Biden’s material for his campaign,” chuckled SWAT captain, Kat Mahorner. “With Biden’s crappy personality and this neurotic wingnut writing his schtick, it’s no wonder Biden is a stuttering, stammering fool filled with ersatz bravado who had to cheat to win.”
Officials aren’t yet sure if Allen had been abducted or was on the premises of his own will. Some officials believe that Trump is somehow responsible for this. The investigation is ongoing.