Washington, DC- Chuck Schumer, in an effort to show support for Barrack Obama’s legacy, Muslims and the One Global World, married a 6 year old Muslim girl.
“Someone has to make a stand against the white privilege of WASP America. Someone has to fight this travel ban,” cried Senator Schumer. “It is an outrage how unaccepting of other cultures we are in America. It brings tears to my eyes that a grown man is not allowed to rape and marry a child.”
As the senator cried, reporters read from a secret dossier provided by an ex-MI6 agent in which documents stated that Senator Schumer was observed in various acts with children and puppies.
“The Senator has apparently been quite busy making videos in his office,” reported CNN’s, Jim Acosta. “Tens of thousands of dollars in video equipment, paid for by American taxpayers, was discovered in the Senator’s office. Also discovered were a plethora of frilly children’s dresses and a huge jar of phallic lolly-pops.”
“This is a big nothing burger,” stated Schumer. “These damned Christians are going to turn our love into a witch hunt. They will call for some yuge investigation that will do nothing but waste everyone’s time and taxpayer money, plus it will keep the Congress from being able to do it’s job.”
When asked what his dog-mistress thought of him cheating on her, Senator Schumer replied, “She thinks it’s ruff, but at least now she has someone to chase around the yard.”