Sacramento, CA- California governor, Gavin Newsom, is pulling out all of the stops in an effort to slow the spread of Covid-19. Or rather, he is pushing all of the stops in as he orders Californians to stop farting immediately.
“We know that the aerosol from our breath has a six foot spray pattern,” Newsom began his Thursday presser. “Hence, the six foot social distancing order. Now, as we focus more deeply into the mechanisms of spread and delivery, we are learning more each day about how to slow and stop Covid spread.”
Newsom then introduced Dr. Richard Head, California’s leading expert in viral immunology and professor of virology at DeVry University Online. “We are isolating more transfer points and options on a daily basis,” Head began. “We are finding an alarming increase in Covid-19 spread amongst family members and coworkers here in California. We have determined this spike in cases to be the work of common flatulence, or farting. Everyone in California knows that containing a fart, once it has escaped, is impossible. Everyone also knows that farts can travel much further than six feet, meaning that normal social distancing guidelines are out the window when it comes to pinching some fluff.” Governor Newsom nodded in agreement. Head continued, “I have made my recommendations to the governor concerning flatulence control and flatulence tracing.”
Governor Newsom returned to the podium and stated, “Today I will sign the order to ban all release of flatulence, or farting, for the next 90 days. This ban will also require anyone who has a release to notify Dr. Head’s office immediately; especially in the case of a silent but deadly. Also, anyone who believes they have come in contact with fart vapors must immediately self quarantine and seek medical advice; not to mention volunteer all contacts for tracing. I know, alone together, we can lick this scourge at the source.”