The Piranha Wins DNC Chair Position

The Piranha ready to feast on a conservative nation. Photo credit MANDEL NGAN,BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images

Atlanta, GA- Thomas Perez, aka The Piranha to insiders, won the battle to become the next Democratic National Committee chairperson. “It was a tough battle,” declared Mr. Perez as saliva spewed from his lips. “Keith (Ellison) was a worthy opponent. That is why I am naming him my deputy chair.”

It should be a pretty low bar for the Piranha and his Bernie socialist clone, Ellison. Afterall, the last two DNC chairs, Wasserman-Schultz and Brazile will go down in history as two of the most corrupt and incompetent politicians of all time. It’s pretty tough to do worse than abject failure.

Perez, the youngest child of Dominican immigrants, rose through the democratic ranks serving under some very suspect leaders. He was Deputy Assistant Attorney General under Janet Reno, probably the worst Attorney General of all time. The Piranha also served as Special Counselor to Ted (El Borracho, Chappaquiddick) Kennedy, a drunken stumblebum, serial philanderer, and murderer who was a political fixture in the Democratic party because of family money and name recognition. The Piranha also served as the Secretary of Maryland Department of Labor, Licensing, and Regulation. In other words, he knows how to apply regulatory strangleholds to everyone except government.

We spoke with California Senator, Diane Feinstein about Mr. Perez. “You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he is one tough cookie,” stated Senator Feinstein. “He will get the job done.” I asked Senator Feinstein if being a “tough cookie” was the reason everyone called him The Piranha. “Oh no!” she exclaimed, “everyone calls him The Piranha because of his incredibly ugly and jagged teeth. Plus, he spits a lot when he talks. Sort of like the water flying everywhere when piranhas attack their unsuspecting prey.”

The Piranha and his socialist sidekick are on the hunt to find the next leader of the free world. By free world, that means they want to give the people everything for free. Free health care. Free college education. Free food. Free cars. Free homes. Word on the streets of Atlanta is that they have a call in to Vladamir Putin, a socialist with real world experience.

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