Gary McCord sucks balls.

CBS Golf Announcer Gary McCord Dies In 16th Tower During Traveler’s Championship

Cromwell, CT- In a sad turn of events, CBS golf announcer, Gary McCord passed away in the 16th hole announcer’s tower during the Traveler’s Championship on Saturday afternoon. “It was very sad,” said fellow CBS golf announcer, Ian Baker-Finch. “Sad because none of us were there with him when he died. It breaks my heart … Read more

OBAMA CONTEMPLATES SUICIDE

Obama Contemplates Suicide As Democratic Party Fails

Fajardo, PR- Former president, Barack Obama on vacation in Puerto Rico was captured by photographers contemplating suicide on the edge of a cliff. The former president, whose legacy (weak as it was) is being calculatingly dismantled by his replacement , Donald Trump , is reported to be despondent in a Fajardo institution. “I have been … Read more

BOOGER EATING LIBERAL

DC Shooter Related To Past Presidential Assassin

Washington, DC- The FBI has confirmed a link between DC shooter, Hodgkinson, and presidential assassin, John Wilkes Booth. “It is common knowledge that was revealed in the memoirs from his sister that John Wilkes Booth fathered a bastard child with the same sister, Asia Booth Clarke,” began FBI special agent, Mona Silver. “While preforming an … Read more

Chuck Schumer pedophile

Chuck Schumer Marries 6 Year Old Girl To Support Islam And Fight Travel Ban

Washington, DC-  Chuck Schumer, in an effort to show support for Barrack Obama’s legacy, Muslims and the One Global World,  married a 6 year old Muslim girl. “Someone has to make a stand against the white privilege of WASP America. Someone has to fight this travel ban,” cried Senator Schumer. “It is an outrage how … Read more

Amy Schumer heroin overdose

CNN: Comedian Amy Schumer Dead From Heroine Overdose

Los Angeles, CA- At this hour, CNN is confirming reports that comedian, Amy Schumer was found deceased this morning at her Hollywood Hills apartment. Although the coroner’s office has not yet had time to release any reports, witnesses told CNN that it looked very much like a heroine overdose. “She was all blue and purple … Read more

Notre Dame Rollercoaster

Notre Dame Cathedral Installs New Rollercoaster

Paris, FR- The Pope was in Paris today to announce the grand opening of a new theme park and rollercoaster inside of the historic Notre Dame Cathedral. “Due to the ever decreasing numbers in both visitors to the cathedral and membership in the church, we have taken bold steps to increase the numbers in both … Read more

Liberals are drunken losers

Trump, Sessions Introduce New Drinking Game

Washington, DC- President Donald Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in keeping with the absurdity of national politics, are ready to introduce a new drinking game to the American public. “Jeff [Sessions} and I figured, if we can’t stop the obstructionists from ruining the country, at least we can all go down with a smile … Read more

Mormons allow gays

Breaking: Mormon Church To Allow Homosexuals Full Membership

Salt Lake City, UT- Local CBS affiliate KSL 5 reporter, Lori Prichard broke a bombshell story this morning on KSL 5 News Today. Reporting live from Temple Square, Prichard released a previously taped announcement from recently deceaced church president, Thomas Monson. “After more than a century and a half of discrimination, the LDS (Mormon) Church … Read more

RACIST JAY LENO

Jay Leno’s Wife Claims He Is An Out Of Control Racist

Hollywood, CA- In a shocking interview with Entertainment Tonight’s Kevin Frazier, Mavis Leno, the wife of legendary comedian, Jay Leno, dropped a bombshell of epic proportion. “It’s really difficult to live and thrive in this town,” Mrs. Leno began. “The liberal vibe is so palpable and it can get into your head. I think that … Read more

Raiders Owner Hopes His Daddy Is Proud Of Him

Oakland, CA- Oakland Raiders owner, Mark Davis held a quick press briefing Saturday morning to present further information as to the Raiders planned move to Las Vegas. “We will be moving the franchise as soon as we are able,” confirmed Mr. Davis. “We are set to begin the full move as soon as we take … Read more

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